Best Politician Of 2011

One thing you may want to avoid if you ever go into politics is getting on our annual Best Politician list. Of last year’s contenders, two are dead, one was  ousted by crazed bankers from his Caligula-like Videocracy, two are facing civil unrest on a scale not seen in Russia since the early 80′s, and one was terribly disfigured during his transformation into a Sith Lord. Between the horde of GOP candidates struggling for identity and the general upheaval around the globe, this wasn’t easy. In the end, part of the decisions were based on the idea that our list may actually have some magical power, and that perhaps including them would aid the nominee’s exit from office. In some cases we dropped nominees because of strong contenders self-destructing, like Herman Cain. We omitted a lot of small players domestically too, like the Democratic mayors around the country that used militaristic police state strategies to oust harmless Occupy camps, and only included Mayor Bloomberg because he’s such a great example of the Dickensian overlords that dominate politics in America today. Plus it was a great opportunity to link to the video in which Keith Olbermann rips him a new one. We may do a followup if the GOP resorts to cage-fighting to pick a winner, but in the meantime, please help us pick our Best Politician of 2011.

Newt Gingrich actually seems to ENJOY eating his words	It’s interesting that the man who led the witch hunt against Bill Clinton over infidelity while cheating on his OWN wife has recently vowed to defend marriage. As long as it wasn’t some HOMO getting married, anyway. Third time’s a charm, as Jezebel.com points out. Let’s not forget that Newtie also shredded the social contract while selling his “Contract with America”, refers to Palestinians as an invented people (video), and thinks all low-income black people are lazy good-for-nothings, and if they’d only get jobs as janitors, they wouldn’t become pimps. He also looks like mashed potatoes poured into a suit. I mean really, he’s like the WASP version of Pugsley Addams, with his chubby, smirking “I would NEVER eat all the cookies” face. It’s a testament to his political acumen that he’s considered a serious contender for the White House.
Joe’s ascent to Sith Lord and Emperor left him tragically disfigured.	You may have noticed old Joe was a little quiet this past year. That’s because of the horrible disfigurement resulting from his transformation into Sith Lord and Emperor. Don’t be surprised if old Palpatine Lieberman makes a surprise appearance during the 2012 elections though; like Yoda said, “The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.” Joe may secretly be working on his party-hopping Deathstar, for all we know.
Scott Walker, Chris Christie, Dick Snyder, Jane Cunningham	While none of these characters are even CLOSE to being contenders on their own, their collective onslaught on access to public education, intent to dismantle child labor laws, and desire to create state-level fascist mini-fiefdoms so they can auction off the public trust to the Koch brothers at least puts them in the minor leagues of the self-serving moral decrepitude that makes for a truly great politician. It’s been said that Dick Snyder is no Scott Walker, but you’ll be in for a surprise when he outsources his emergency manager positions in Michigan to overseas tech support companies. Keep an eye on this bunch, and keep an eye on your LUNCH, in Chris Christie’s case.
Zardari signing rental agreement for Pakistan’s airspace	Asif Ali Zardari who? This cat is tragically under-acknowledged for his skills as a politician. A lot of legislators SHOULD be in prison for corruption for the things they do to stay in office, but Zardari actually WAS in prison while serving as a member of parliament in the 1990′s. And on top of being indicted for killing his wife’s brother, his wife’s later death was largely responsible for making his presidency possible. That, and his willingness to be even more of a sellout then Musharref when it came to renting the skies of Pakistan to US drones. If he would just dress a little funnier, he’d be a great replacement for Kim Jong or Qaddafi as “nuttiest murderous dictator”.
Ahmadinejad has a dazzling array of Secret Devil Signs to keep his enemies at bay with witchcraft.	We would have included Ahmadinejad last year, but we kept forgetting how to spell and pronounce his name. This guy is not only a consummate politician – I mean he’s president, and not only do his ENEMIES hate him, but his ASSOCIATES hate him – but on top of that he’s also a WITCH. I don’t think we’ve had a prominent global leader who is both delusional and ruthlessly oppressive AND a master of the dark arts since Idi Amin. It has also been observed that his campaign slogan – “It’s possible and we can do it” – was very similar to ANOTHER of our “Best Politician” contenders (see graphic at end of article).
The Lord of Bloombergville	Michael Bloomberg? Nah, he’s just a dick. Besides, Keith Olbermann already said it all.
Assad gets regular “how not to be president” lessons from Medvedev	When confronted by Barbera Walters with the fact that a UN report stated that 4,000 people had been killed and that the country was embroiled in civil war, Assad dismissed the assessment with the question, “Who said that the United Nations is a credible institution?” Snappy answers like that – and the fact that the only leader in the world who has less experience and as much power is Kim Jong’s son – make Assad a man to watch. And he gets bonus points for the fact that Google suggests “Antichrist” when you search his name.
We’ll leave it up to you to decide if there’s any similarity in these campaign themes, as some have suggested. Larger image here.